Taken at my favourite mosque in Melbourne.
Ramadan is here.
I see and hear so many others prepping meals, spring cleaning, planning iftars, prepared eid presents and clothes days and weeks before, making lists of deeds to do, goals to achieve in this month.
Then you have me. People like myself. Someone whos been struggling to even wake up for fajr. Struggling to maintain a spiritual high, even for a day. Someone who is lost. Finding herself. Understanding herself. There were times when I could easily wake up for tahajjud. Safe to say this was a time before marriage and kids. A time before responsibilities, demands and needs came into view. Now, I'm blessed to even get through a single prayer without any distractions, simply for a moment of khushuu. One moment...is all I seek.
Here I am, unprepared to welcome our beautiful guest who will be staying for the month. I'm not going to put false expectations on myself for this month because I've done that in the past years and as usual, I can't keep up with my own expectations. Then what happens? You end up feeling hopeless and disappointed in yourself because everyone else is achieving so much, and you so little. I don't want to be that person who does so much in Ramadan and then slowly digress back to their usual state once ramadan is over. I've seen it happen. I know it happens. Because it happened to me.
We spend so much time preparing for ramadan and the things we ought to be doing this month. But we forget the real reason why we should actually be doing so much.
I think if our focus is not simply on reaping the rewards this month, but also to prepare you for your death then it would be of more benefit. Well for me anyway. Because then, you wouldn't stop doing the things you did regularly once ramadan is over.
My main focus this month is keeping my intentions sincere and maintaining a clean heart. We live in a society which has corrupted our hearts in all aspects that you forget what it's like not to have any ill feelings in your heart. Because that feeling doesn't exist in this dunya. But what we can do is try our best to rid our hearts of all evil and emulate what that might feel like.
And for that I need to seek forgiveness from you.
For all the times my words have hurt you.
For all the things I did intentionally and unintentionally.
For the things I didn't do when I said I would.
For the things I still owe.
For all my false promises.
For my shortcomings.
And everything else that I don't know but He knows.
So Allah can forgive me.