Lately, I've been feeling ever so desperate to visit the House of Allah. To put my head down in prostration and pour my heart out sincerely to Him. To ask for forgiveness and to be forgiven. I need it. I need to feel whole again. I miss Him. These last few weeks, pretty much ever since I gave birth, I have been unmotivated to do things; ibadah and even my fard. It has been heavy on my heart. I know I should be doing more but I'm not trying hard enough. I know there are ways to be closer to Him and umrah or hajj is not the only answer but right now, that's all I want. That's all I want to be.
I know anything is possible, by Allah. I know He is able to grant it if I were to ask for it day and night. But I feel so undeserving of it considering how ungrateful I've been. How impatient I've been. How easily frustrated I've been. He has blessed me with so much and to be able to walk around the kaa'bah, to walk where millions of Muslims have walked, to walk where the prophet (saw) once walked...oh I'm not worthy of that gift. A gift my soul is craving for and utterly in need.
To leave this world behind, just for a moment.
To look up at the surroundings and to feel like that's exactly where I want to be.
And exactly where I am supposed to be.
To hear the Athan echoing in the air and letting it strike through my heart and allowing the tears to rain down my cheeks.
To never want to leave that place.
To feel home, again.
Oh how I long to be.