Saturday, August 22, 2015

In the middle of the sea.

Where do I even begin?
Things arent as I imagined.
My mind clustered. Words jumbled. Emotions flustered.
There are too many things. Too much to do. 
Lost on my own. Nowhere to turn, no one to seek. 
Except Him, the Only One who sees,
This trouble in my heart, the worries in my head,
What do I do? What do I do?
A mid-life crisis, is it what this is?
It can't be happening so, I'm only a quarter of a century old.
Why then, does it seem this way?
Up and down, up and down. Trying so hard to stay afloat.
One, two, three, four.
It doesn't seem to end anymore.
And I'm drowning.
In the middle of the sea.

Sunday, June 14, 2015

Dreaming of the other life.

I am saddened at the state of this dunya we are in. A world so ugly I fear for myself, my family and my children. Oh, epecially my children. It is one full of evil left, right and centre. One we avoid facing realities with because we don't want to accept the truth. We are scared. And disappointed. Fearful. But that's what this dunya really is. It scares you. It disappoints you. It haunts you. It plays tricks on your mind and your heart. It makes you self-delusional and selfish. It brings you up and down and up and down again. It's definitely a drug. It makes you happy and high until there comes a time when you are brought to your lowest point and you feel like giving up. Giving up on finding the light at the end of the tunnel. Giving up on the glimpse of hope. And it is at this point when you have no choice but to depend on the Only one who can bring you back up stronger and wiser. You start to realize that nothing in this life is worth it except your deeds. You realize you are wasting too much time unnecessarily. Yet you do it over and over again until you are filled with regret.

We, as humans, get easily attached to this life. I mean, it's almost impossible not to when you are living in it. Every moment, every day of your life is spent here. Unless you're a Mu'min with your eyes and your heart set on the hereafter, then that's a different story. But for an average Moe (Muslim) like you and I, we depend on this life. We depend on the people in it, those close to our hearts. Sometimes we can't imagine life without them. Its all about them. And then all of a sudden, out of the blue, it happens. Someone or something we love is gone. Forever. You got caught off guard. You never thought this day would come. So soon. Sooner than you realised. Sooner than you can accept it. Sooner than you were ready.

But you have to come to terms with the truth. With reality. As much as you hate it, you know you do. As much as it burns inside you. As much as you yourself feel like dying too. When you're lost; when a piece of your heart is gone, you dream of the hereafter.  A life none of us can describe but we all long for it. When we are bent on our knees, that's where we want to be. Need to be. To feel a life of no heartaches. To be at peace with yourself and to know you're in peace.

"Salam, salam." The greetings of the people of paradise.
A life that is promised for the believers. 

"Our Lord, and grant us what You promised us through Your messengers and do not disgrace us on the Day of Resurrection. Indeed, You do not fail in [Your] promise." (3:194)

Sunday, April 26, 2015

One day, it will be.

Lately, I've been feeling ever so desperate to visit the House of Allah. To put my head down in prostration and pour my heart out sincerely to Him. To ask for forgiveness and to be forgiven. I need it. I need to feel whole again. I miss Him. These last few weeks, pretty much ever since I gave birth, I have been unmotivated to do things; ibadah and even my fard. It has been heavy on my heart. I know I should be doing more but I'm not trying hard enough. I know there are ways to be closer to Him and umrah or hajj is not the only answer but right now, that's all I want. That's all I want to be.

If only.

I know anything is possible, by Allah. I know He is able to grant it if I were to ask for it day and night. But I feel so undeserving of it considering how ungrateful I've been. How impatient I've been. How easily frustrated I've been. He has blessed me with so much and to be able to walk around the kaa'bah, to walk where millions of Muslims have walked, to walk where the prophet (saw) once walked...oh I'm not worthy of that gift. A gift my soul is craving for and utterly in need.

To leave this world behind, just for a moment.
To look up at the surroundings and to feel like that's exactly where I want to be. 
And exactly where I am supposed to be.
To hear the Athan echoing in the air and letting it strike through my heart and allowing the tears to rain down my cheeks.
To never want to leave that place.
To feel home, again.

Oh how I long to be. 

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Our struggles in life

I start off by glorifying our Creator, by thanking Him for His limitless generosity for having blessed our family with a baby girl earlier in the week. After spending what seemed like an eternity in hospital, we finally came home last night. Alhamdulilahi rabbil alamin.

On the way home, I was struck by the post-natal blues. Yes, I was so excited to be home. Looking forward to being in my own comfort zone yet at the same time I was terrified of what was ahead of me. What obstacles would I be faced with and whether I was able to cope with them. I wondered how I was going to handle it all; the chores; the 3 kids under 2.5; the demands of a newborn; the duties as a wife and mother and so many more. I asked Allah swt to make it easy for me and to help me be patient.

Upon entering the house, I noticed the piles of dishes left unwashed, the food scraps on the pans, the unfolded clothes. Normally, I would have broken out in anger and complained about all the things that needed to be done. But not yesterday. Yesterday I cried. I cried because I wasn't there to feed my husband and kids, I cried because they had to fend for themselves while I was away, I cried because I couldn't fulfil my duties for them. Even though sometimes I get frustrated at the amount of things a woman had to do in the household, yesterday I actually accepted and acknowledged my role and responsibility as a wife and mother. Since I'm recovering from a c-section, there's only so much I can do. I am left feeling helpless for not being able to do the simple things at home. On the other hand, this inability to do what I want/need has made me really appreciate any amount of help I receive. It's made me realised how blessed I am to have my family and husband for support. I am so grateful to have such a wonderful husband who does things without complaints. He tolerates my childish behaviours and still remains patient with me. Oh how could I thank him and thank Allah for His bountiful blessings.

I used to admire some sisters for the hardships they're being tested through. I always wondered what they have done and why they are so loved by Allah swt to be experiencing such trials. A test on their iman and patience, they successfully achieve. I wondered if Allah swt loved me the same way too. Now I'm beginning to think that He does indeed. Even though your trial may not be the same as others, it is specifically designed for you and you only. The hardships we all are undergoing - regardless of how significant it is, it is targeted at only one direction- to bring us back to Him. So yes, He does love you in your own special way, which is why we all are going through some form of difficulty in one way or another. And in each trial, there are lessons to be learnt and implemented.

This post is dedicated to my loving husband and family. May Allah swt accept from you, grant you the best in his life and the next and unite us in the hereafter.

Wednesday, January 28, 2015


Lately I keep thinking about what I'm going to leave behind when I've passed away. About what I will be remembered for. My fear is that I will be remembered for my faults and weaknesses. My dream is that I am remembered for my good deeds and character. I wish to leave behind a legacy that others will follow and aim to be. Of course, I am nowhere there yet. But I'm hoping this blog will be a part of that legacy. Another, my children. 

Bi'ithnillahi ta'ala 

Sunday, January 11, 2015

Expectations of a Superwoman

Honestly, we women are expected to do more than what we are capable of. Sure, some women have the ability to achieve all that but then there are others who struggle to balance everything, like myself.

We are meant to be the backbone of our husbands. The ones who are constantly supporting them, encouraging them, in other words "nagging" them and all at the same time trying to keep the household under control and not forgetting ourselves in the process.

If we are single, we get asked if we are married.
If we are married, we get asked if we are trying to have children.
If we have a child, we get asked when the next one will be.
If we are not working, we get asked if we are planning to go back or if we are studying.
If we are doing all that and being a single parent at the same time, we get asked how we do it.

So, how DO we do it? 
You know what, sometimes we don't. Sometimes we just can't cope with the burden of it all. Sometimes we just need a break. Sometimes and most times, we crash and burn. We have too much on our minds. Minds that are constantly filled with the past, present, future, the what-ifs, the whys and the maybes.

But you know what's encouraging?
Knowing that the best of men are a result of the best of women. And the best of Men was our Prophet (peace be upon him) and his wife was Khadija (ra).

I am nowhere near the best of women. 
But I'd like to try. 
And so I will.