I'm writing this as you boys are almost approaching two and a half years old. I'm writing this whilst carrying your sibling who is due in less than two months. To be honest, I am afraid of facing reality and having to deal with it all. I pray that the baby will be a source of peace and guidance for myself and all of us. As I am at the moment highly emotional and under stress, I'm not capable to control my emotions most times. For that, I ask Allah swt to forgive me. And then, I ask for your forgiveness. To forgive me for my shortcomings and weaknesses. As your mother, as a human, I am not perfect. I am far from perfect. Every night there's not a moment when I look back and regret some of my actions that day. There's not a day that passes by and I wished that I hadn't yelled at you both. Frankly, I hate getting angry but I do because I don't know better. I want you to know that it isn't easy raising twins. In fact, it's the hardest thing I've ever been put to do, and I will have to continue doing so for the rest of my life. Of course, there are times and moments that I wouldn't trade for anything else and for that, I thank Allah swt for blessing me with those precious memories. And the other times, when I wish things were different, I ask Allah swt to forgive me and not to punish me for it in the future.
I pray that things will overturn when you are older and that I will be pleased at how things have turned out and that will be the reward for the hardship I am going through now. I pray that you and your siblings will make me a proud parent when I see you become righteous servants of Allah swt. Oh, that is all I ever ask. And oh, that will all I ever want from you.
May Allah swt forgive me and help me to be patient.
All my love,