Last week, I was brought down to the lowest I've ever been since I started practising. My kids were sick with Gastroenteritis and for a good few days I was cleaning up vomit from all sorts of places and dealing with their attitutes and demands, on top of being 6+ months pregnant and having lack of sleep. My patience was tested. My iman was tested. I was tested. And to be honest, I felt like I failed my test.
The thing is, it wasn't the trial itself that made me feel like I failed but how I reacted and lost control of the situation, and especially of myself. I realised that I was over-stressing myself for no good reason and by doing so, I make it all worse. For myself and everyone else. I just couldn't help it. I started having thoughts that I could be going through pre-natal depression. Maybe I am. Maybe I am not. Whatever it is, I want to do something about it. The questions is how and where do I start?
After reading this excellent piece on Depression and Islam, I came to the conclusion that depression is real and that I'm not actually depressed, just stressed and emotional and a mixture of both could be mistaken as depression. Who knows? I'm not a psychology expert but I know myself and I know that for the most part, I am content within. I am grateful for a lot of things, alhamdulilah. Of course, there are some pieces in my life that are questionable and at times I feel a little lost. All I know is that emptiness can't be filled by people or things except only by the guidance and light of Allah (swt). The problem is I'm trying to find it and it seems like I'm finding it in all the wrong places - in this dunya. It's during times like these when I truly admire those close to Allah and their ability to maintain and keep control of their constantly fluctuating iman.
I guess the first step is to acknowledge the problem and then wanting to do something about it. Make a change. Change cannot begin without you - the most important factor; your desire to change. And you know what, it's ok to fall back and fail again and again as long as you learn from it, you repent and move on.
It is essential to move on and look forward.
And pray that Allah (swt) will find you the means to get where you want to be.