Yesterday, my bottle of patience shook and broke into tiny little pieces. I completely lost it. Yup, Ramadan and all. I wasn't fasting, otherwise I would've invalidated my fast but that is still no excuse. As a parent, you'll have moments (plenty of them) where you breakdown and lose it all. Your mind, your sanity, your anger. You lose yourself in that moment. And then you start to cry because you hate yourself for being person you've become when you never wanted to be that kind of person. You released the ugly inner monster in you because you didn't know what else to do. You're so used to losing your patience and getting upset every time something aggravates you that you don't know how to with deal it any other way. You're worn out and tired of dealing with your kids that you forget why they were brought into your life in the first place.
Being a stay-at-home-mum of almost two year old twin boys isn't easy. Being a parent, itself, is hard work whether you have one, two or more kids. Surrounded by the constant nagging, screaming, fighting, whining, sulking, crying, and deafening shrieking every single day can wear you down and bring you to the point of utter exhaustion. A lack of patience is a lack of emaan. Unfortunate to say, I haven't had the best of Ramadans. I'd say this was my lowest Ramadan in 4 or 5 years. We all go through ups and downs and a fluctuating emaan. It's never constant and I'm wondering why I am where I'm at.
So maybe you're in the same boat as me. Or maybe I'm much further behind than you are. I look up to some of my friends and sisters in the community with admiration, thinking 'Oh how Allah (swt) must be so pleased with them!'. You may not have spent every day and night in Ramadan in worship, but it may have been that one or two nights when you sincerely repented to Allah, begging for His forgiveness. Begging on your knees and asking Him to overlook your faults, flaws and shortcomings. It could be that one time when all your sins are wiped out and you've been granted a ticket to Jannah. Because you made one sincere dua to Allah (swt). There is always hope with (Al-Ghaffur) The Forgiver and Concealer of sins.
Oh Allah swt knows exactly how to test us. You ask for patience and He puts people in your life who knows when and where to push your buttons. Each calamity teaches us a different understanding of what it means to be patient. Be it loss of wealth, health, death, sickness, failure, disappointment etc. Test after test. It never ends. That is the beauty of Islam. Why do I say this? Because it's turning us back to Allah swt reminding us that qadr is all in the hands of Him alone. We cannot control the events that occur in our lives but we can control our attitude towards it and how we deal with it. We forget that our kids are our (amanah) trust from Allah. Just like everything else He's given to us. Sometimes all it takes is a moment to reflect upon His blessings and be thankful for them.