Saturday, September 21, 2013

That feeling when all you want to do is bow down and cry.

That feeling when you're feeling so overwhelmed with life that you just can't take any more.

That feeling when you feel like a failure because you're so close to giving up.

That feeling when you just want to be by yourself and let the tears flow by.

That feeling when you feel like you have no one else to depend on except Allah (swt).

That feeling when all you have is Allah (swt) at the end of the day.

That feeling when you're trying your hardest not to break down in front of people.

That feeling when you tell yourself to be patient but what you really want to do is to scream your lungs out.

That feeling when you feel bad for the way you're acting because you can't hide your emotions very well.

That feeling when you start crying and stuttering in your prayers because Allah (swt) knows what you're going through and all you want to do is bow down and cry to Him.

That feeling when you're crying and reading Quran at the same time because you're talking to Him through His book and you know He will make you feel better.

That feeling when you lift your head up from sujood and feel a sense of peace like the burden has been lifted off your shoulders.

The feeling when you reach the end of the page and all of a sudden you're not so upset anymore.

That feeling is a mercy from Allah (swt).

That love.

Friday, April 19, 2013

The Big Bang Story

All I remember that day prior to the incident was reciting verses from Surah An-Naba whilst driving on Pascoe Vale Road. I don’t even recall going up the ramp onto Camp Rd and merging into the other lane. Sometimes when we are so familiar with a particular route or routine, we don’t give our full attention to what we are doing. Just like our 5 daily prayers. May Allah (swt) help us. What I do remember though is the feeling of how beautiful it is to recite the words of Allah (swt). 

Then all of a sudden, out of nowhere I felt as though a huge truck had rammed into me from behind. In my head, I thought “Where did the truck come from? I didn’t see it coming!” That’s all it takes. One second. One second for someone to run into you and change your life forever. One second for your life to be taken away. Except that we survived the crash. Alhamdulilahi rabbil alamin. Praise be to Allah, my Protecting Friend. Allahu Akbar. Without Him, we wouldn’t have made it alive and without any major injuries. The first thing I said right when I felt the crash was “Astarghfirullah”. Had I not survived, that would have been my last word. Alhamdulilah for that. May Allah (swt) always make our tongues moist with His remembrance and allow us to die in a state that will be pleasing to Him. Ameen. 

You know as a parent, especially a mother, you’re always thinking about your children. They come first before anything else. It’s our natural instinct instilled by Allah (swt), a gift and a mercy from Him. But at that moment right after we’ve been hit, I was so out of it that my children weren’t even on my mind. It all happened in a blink of an eye so it took me a few seconds to realize what had happened and to get myself together. I, literally, had to get myself together. My headscarf had totally come off my head (and I was wearing the long khimar that goes up to my knees so you can imagine how hard the hit must’ve been for that to happen). Looking back, that few seconds reminded me of the Day of Judgement when it’s just you and your Creator. Not your mother, father, sister, daughter, son, husband or friends are going to help you no matter how close you are to them in this life. That’s why it’s important not to get too attached to the ones we love and to always remember that everything in this world belongs to Allah and will one day return to Him. In the end, it’s only you and your deeds that will save you. 

After the harsh reality had dawned on me that I had just been badly hit, I quickly attended to my crying babies who were still strapped in their car seats, alhamdulilah. I felt like I was in a scene from a movie with all that rush and anxiety trying to get my son out of the car as his door was jammed and the petrol was leaking. Alhamdulilah I got Yunus first as he was right behind me and a man went inside from another door to get my other son, Ilyas. Such a huge relief to know that your children survived uninjured. And I only have You to thank. 

He is indeed the Most Merciful. In a Hadith Qudsi, Allah says. ''I am as My servant thinks I am. I am with him when he makes mention of Me. If he makes mention of Me to himself, I make mention of him to Myself; and if he makes mention of Me in an assembly, I make mention of him in an assembly better than it. And if he draws near to Me an arm's length, I draw near to him a fathom's length. And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him at speed.'' (Bukhari)

“Umm Salamah (May Allah be pleased with her) reported: I heard the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and grant him peace) saying, “When a person suffers from a calamity and utters: `Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi raji`un. Allahumma ujurni fi musibati, wakhluf li khairan minha (We belong to Allah and to Him we shall return. O Allah! Compensate me in my affliction, recompense my loss and give me something better in exchange for it), then Allah surely compensates him with reward and better substitute.” Umm Salamah (ra) said: When Abu Salamah (ra) died, I repeated the same supplication as the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and grant him peace) had commanded me (to do), so Allah bestowed upon me a better substitute than him [Muslim].

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

To reiterate my last post

I have my answer, Alhamdulilah.

After watching this, how can we choose the life of this world over the next?

SubhanAllah. I feel like I need to do this everyday.

"By Allah", said the Prophet of Allah, "the world in comparison to the Hereafter is nothing but like if one of you were to place his finger in the ocean, so let him see what (portion of the ocean) he brings back". [Muslim]

Monday, March 11, 2013

Dunya Vs Akhira

Which one would you choose?

You'd automatically choose the latter, right? But the reality is that most of us, without realising it, are choosing the former. We are choosing this life because we are in it right now. This is where we stand and we are comfortable here. Sure, we may do a little bit for our hereafter, maybe pray 5 times a day, give some charity here and there, read a little bit of Quran, listen to a few lectures, do a couple of sunnah/nawafil acts and we think it is enough. How can we say we are choosing the Akhira when our minds are constantly occupied with the luxuries of this life. We spend more time in the day thinking about things we shouldn't be. And I speak for myself first.

Right now, I am stuck in between two. Allah (The Exalted) is laying out the path in front of me with Akhira on the right hand and Dunya on the left and He is telling me: Choose. He knows of my dreams and He is testing me to see which one I'd choose, which one is more important to me. I have a dream in Dunya and Akhira and both I am so passionate for. Obviously, being human (especially women), we sometimes get carried away thinking about our dreams and the future. Oh, we love thinking about what the future will bring and how we exactly we want it to turn out.

If I choose my dream in this life, I will be happy, yes, but there will be a part of me that will be missing. If I choose to pursue for the next life, I will be a little heart broken but I know that feeling will eventually disappear and my heart will be contented. Either way, I have to make a big sacrifice...and I'm just afraid to take that step as I don't know what to expect. That's how we're always living in this life, isn't it? Forever facing the unexpected. It's how you respond that can change your whole life. I think I need to remind myself that Allah (swt) is indeed the Best of all Planners and our plans and dreams will never be able to compare to what He has in store for us. I like to believe that He has something greater planned for me and that I am Muslim for a reason. Let's hope it is for a good reason at that.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Miracles happen everyday, yet we do not realise.

that is, the miracle of birth. Allahu Akbar.

As I mentioned in the previous post, a lot has happened in the last year but the biggest thing that happened to me was giving birth to beautiful twin boys, mashaAllah tabarakAllah. Like I said, you wouldn't believe! Sometimes, I don't either. I have moments (plenty of those) where I'm just thinking "SubhanAllah, I'm a did that happen?" 

Life for me at the moment is joyous, exhausting, momentous, repetitive, fast-paced, exciting, unpredictable, a non-stop roller coaster ride. And all I have to say is Alhamdulilah ala kulli hal, All praise be to Allah in all circumstances. I would not change it for the world. They are both a blessing and a test for me. A great test on my patience. I'm not going to lie. There have been times when I've lost it, when I just wanted to walk away, times when I wanted a moment without kids, when I thought it was all getting too much for me...and then, a new day begins. When I see the smile on their faces, I forget about everything else. I forget about the fear of raising twins in this day and age, I forget about how terrified I was about giving birth, I forget about the pain and heartaches, I forget that I had lost my patience with them the night before. It all disappears in that moment. Allah (The Exalted) has instilled love and mercy in mothers that even after a tough day, she is able to forget all about it and do it all over again the next day. Subhan'Allah. May Allah (swt) have mercy on my mother and all believing mothers in the world. 

This time last year, they were growing in my tummy. Now, they're almost 6 months old (tomorrow!). Masha'Allah. That, to me is the biggest miracle of all. How people can ignorantly believe that they are the ones creating a human in the womb, I do not know. It makes me burn inside when I hear couples say "Look at what we've made" when holding their newborn. SubhanAllah, how dare they think that! Please enlighten me on how you "created" that tiny little human being inside you. You did nothing but carry your child in your womb for 9 months and then take all the credit for it. I don't understand how people still cannot believe in a God after experiencing the miracles of childbirth. They have totally been blinded from the truth. 

For me, it was always a boost in emaan whenever I went for my ultrasounds. Of course, the first one was more of a shock than anything else. I still remember crying out loud in the room, "Noooooooooooo, what?! Are you serious?!" when she saw the two sacs and immediately said "Oh, you're having twins!" without any warning what-so-ever. My husband's face was, well, priceless. He he. At 20 weeks, all their main organs were formed (eyes, ears, hands, fingers etc) and to be able to see that on the screen was absolutely amazing. Allahu Akbar, Allahu Akbar. Oh Allah, I do not know how to thank you for your countless blessings. Please, I ask you to allow me to do my best to look after what you have entrusted upon me and to forgive me  for my shortcomings. 

Till next time, insha'Allah.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

calling out for you.

I need to reconnect with my Lord. And the best way for me to do that is through my blog. I have neglected it for so long and for some reason or another, I came on it today. After reading a few messages readers have left me, I realised that I actually make a difference in people's lives, to my surprise. Wow. Now I want to make a difference in my life. So here I am writing to change my life and yours, insha'Allah. 

I have missed you dearly. 

A lot has happened since I last updated. I mean, a lot. You wouldn't believe. 
You will soon hear all about it, insha'Allah.