A couple weeks ago we applied for Hajj through the Muslim World League. For those who don't know, this organisation sponsors Hajj packages for reverts (you only have to pay for your airfare and they cover everything else, from what I've been told). As a wife of a Catholic-born-Italian husband, I also get to tag along and be covered by them. Initially, the brother informed us that we had a pretty good chance of getting accepted, even though we put in our application quite late (less than two months before Dhu'l-Hijjah). After weeks and weeks of endless waiting (Hajj is all about the waiting game, isn't it?), last night we finally got our answer.
Turns out they had no more room for a couple left.
Either my Man goes by himself, or we both go next year insha'Allah. Next year it is.
Of course I felt what any normal believer would feel; disappointed. sad. lost. confused.
I cried thinking "Why doesn't Allah (swt) want to invite me?" "It's because I don't deserve His forgiveness, isn't it?" "I should have done more...made more dua..."
But these thoughts are all from Shaytan.
I remember telling my Man before we found out that if we don't end up going, we shouldn't feel let down. It doesn't end here. Life keeps on going and we have to keep up with it. The truth is it has already been written for us not to go this year.
"No amount of guilt can change the past and no amount of worrying can change the future. Go easy on yourself for the outcome of all affairs is determined by Allah's Decree. If something is meant to go elsewhere, it will never come on your way, but if it is yours by destiny, from you it cannot flee.''
(Umar ibn al-Khattab r.a)
There is always a reason behind His wisdom. A reason behind any hardship or calamity that befalls us. A reason behind a blessing. A reason behind everything. We might not understand it right this moment, but we will understand why sometime in the future insha'Allah.
One day I will look back and say "Alhamdulilah. I see it now."