Friday, March 10, 2017

this little box of mine.

I'm avoiding you
not because I dont want to see you
but because I know
the moment I see you I wont be able to hold back tears
that all I want to do is have someone hug me tight and let me cry
so I cant see you
cause I know Ill have to pretend
that everythings ok
that Im good, kids good, everythings great.
cause saying anymore will provoke unnecessary questions
that I dont want to answer
because I dont have the answer.

if i had to choose
between meeting friends for coffee
or sitting drinking coffee by myself
Id rather sit alone
in peace and solace.
no offence to anyone
thats just the introvert in me.

its been months
since Ive actually enjoyed company
preferring much to be alone
sitting on a beach
standing on a mountain
staring over the horizon
deep in thought

then there are days
like today
when it feels like you've hit rock bottom
and theres no where else to go
no one else to turn to
except Him

always
always there
and always will be there

I'm grateful
yet ungrateful
questioning "why me"
"why now"
I know the answer
but I still want to know why

people think
I'm doing great
because they see my cheerful face
or that I sound on top of the world
yes! I've fooled you
maybe I am
maybe I'm not

you'll never really know
what's really going on
inside this head
so here I am telling you
that I'd like to be alone for a little while
i know this phase will pass
but until then
i hope you understand.

Sunday, June 5, 2016

Month of Mercy

Taken at my favourite mosque in Melbourne. 


Ramadan is here.

I see and hear so many others prepping meals, spring cleaning, planning iftars, prepared eid presents and clothes days and weeks before, making lists of deeds to do, goals to achieve in this month.


Then you have me. People like myself. Someone whos been struggling to even wake up for fajr. Struggling to maintain a spiritual high, even for a day. Someone who is lost. Finding herself. Understanding herself. There were times when I could easily wake up for tahajjud. Safe to say this was a time before marriage and kids. A time before responsibilities, demands and needs came into view. Now, I'm blessed to even get through a single prayer without any distractions, simply for a moment of khushuu. One moment...is all I seek.

Here I am, unprepared to welcome our beautiful guest who will be staying for the month. I'm not going to put false expectations on myself for this month because I've done that in the past years and as usual, I can't keep up with my own expectations. Then what happens? You end up feeling hopeless and disappointed in yourself because everyone else is achieving so much, and you so little. I don't want to be that person who does so much in Ramadan and then slowly digress back to their usual state once ramadan is over. I've seen it happen. I know it happens. Because it happened to me.

We spend so much time preparing for ramadan and the things we ought to be doing this month. But we forget the real reason why we should actually be doing so much.

Death.

I think if our focus is not simply on reaping the rewards this month, but also to prepare you for your death then it would be of more benefit. Well for me anyway. Because then, you wouldn't stop doing the things you did regularly once ramadan is over.


My main focus this month is keeping my intentions sincere and maintaining a clean heart. We live in a society which has corrupted our hearts in all aspects that you forget what it's like not to have any ill feelings in your heart. Because that feeling doesn't exist in this dunya. But what we can do is try our best to rid our hearts of all evil and emulate what that might feel like.

In Jannah.
Peace.


And for that I need to seek forgiveness from you.
For all the times my words have hurt you.
For all the things I did intentionally and unintentionally. 
For the things I didn't do when I said I would.
For the things I still owe.
For all my false promises.
For my shortcomings.
And everything else that I don't know but He knows.


Forgive me.
So Allah can forgive me.


Ramadan Kareem.

Monday, May 30, 2016

In between two worlds.

Source: Etsy

I have dreams.
Aspirations if you call it.
Maybe one too many.

What do you do, 
when you have no idea what else to do? 
Or even where to go?

I'm searching for a place.
I'm searching for answers.
I'm searching for myself.

It's easy to give up.
And run away.
Hide from reality.
From the harsh truth you can't face.
If only.

It's tearing me apart.
I fear the consequences of dreaming too big.
Of aiming too high.
Fear of failing.
Yourself and others.

Even though failure is a lesson learnt.
A necessity to thrive.
We all wish to avoid it.
Always hoping for the best.
Praying.

But you see, hope is on one wing,
Fear on the other.
Life is a balance.
Like a bird.

The problem is knowing how to fly.
And fly in the right direction.

So help me fly,
and fly high, my Lord.
Only You can set me free.





Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Numb.

Where do I even begin?

...

Sometimes you have so much to say,

but all that comes out are tears.

...

This life.

is so full of disappointments.

...

We can have so many people in our lives.

Yet we can feel so alone.

...

No one except you, Ya Allah.

Who hears, sees and knows it all.

...

I wish I could ask you,

"Are you pleased with me?"

...

But why?

When I'm not even pleased with myself.

...

I don't have a friend to talk to.

Except You.

...

So please, oh Allah, don't ever let me go.

Or I will have no one to turn to.

...

Only then, I will feel so alone.

Because no one understands me,

Better than You.

Monday, April 18, 2016

Unclear.

Uncertain.
This feeling in my heart.
This feeling of longing.
Of belonging.

Guilty.
Of the evil in my heart.
The thoughts running in my head.
Corrupted with sinful desires
Jealousy and pride.

Envious.
Of a life not my own.
Different to this.
Better than this.

Regretful.
For wanting the other.
For wanting more.
Than what I have.

Pretending.
To be living another life.
Disillusioned.
By reality.

Ungrateful.
For the blessings
Gifts and trusts from above.
Everyday.

Praying.
For forgiveness and mercy.
If only
I was deserving.

Waiting.
For a sign.
A glimpse of hope.
In time.

Patience.
Is what I need.
But I lack.

Forgive me
My Lord.
For I have wronged my soul.
And You.

Sunday, February 28, 2016

5 years and counting



Today, The Man and I turned 5 alhamdulilah. It has been an indescribable journey full of laughter, tears, happiness, heartbreak, hope, fear, disappointments, patience, love, and compromise. Our marriage isn't perfect. He isn't perfect. Neither am I. These last few years were like a rollercoaster ride; its unpredictable. But you know what, I love the thrill. I love that I am not alone on this ride. I'm on it with him. We are on it together, whether its going up or down and that's what matters most.

Since we don't celebrate birthdays or anniversaries, we have no reason to go out of our way to make that extra effort to show our appreciation to our loved ones on special occasions. But this time around, I felt the need to express my gratitude and appreciation because sometimes we forget about the little things. Because sometimes they need to know how we feel. Because sometimes it's necessary to show someone that what they've done hasn't gone unnoticed. That we do truly appreciate the little things they do. The everyday things. Too often we focus on our spouse's flaws and imperfections. I could list so many things I wish were different. But what benefit will that do? 

Nothing. 

Let's focus on the good.

So today I wrote a list of 50 things I loved about him. To be honest, it wasn't easy writing that list. I had to step back to think of the little things that I take for granted each and every day and be grateful for them. It made me appreciate His blessings and the gift He has granted me. And I need to remember that just as He can easily grant me a gift, He can take them away whenever He pleases. The latter is the most important part life that we tend to forget; and it causes us the most pain.

Today, I am remembering the good.

I will do so tomorrow and the next day and so on. There will be days when I will forget. So my Lord, please forgive me when I do and help me to remember them often. 

Saturday, January 16, 2016

rebuilding

Twenty fifteen was by far the toughest year in my life. Too much was happening in my life and I have to admit; I couldn't cope with the reality. It was the year I hit rock bottom. Like as though I had been thrown into the deep end of the pool and I was drowning. Even though I know how to swim, I just couldn't save myself at the time. I lost myself. I almost gave up on my marriage and everything else. My kids. I distanced myself from the people I loved. I lost hope and I almost gave up trying to find it.

Almost.

Oh, Allah is Most Merciful. 




 It's His Promise.

Slowly, slowly I picked myself up and started rebuilding my life. I found a new perspective. Found positivity. Found confidence. Found love again. Found knowledge. I don't know how. I don't know when. But I know it's His doing. He put me in the direction I was desperate for. He put the right people in my path. His angels looked out for me in ways I will never know. I have Him to thank and prostrate to. 

When you feel like you're being tested, know that one day things will be OK. Things will get better. Things will be different, in a good way. It will feel like you're stuck in a rut. Like you're never going to get out of that situation. Like you're the only one going through it. All you want to do is bury yourself somewhere and hide, forever. You want to runaway from all your problems and never come back to face them. As much as it's so easy to succumb to these feelings and thoughts, know that Allah (swt) has promised a way out for you. Allah (swt) loves you and He loves you so much He wants you to call on Him, to beg Him for forgiveness, to remember Him and to reach out to Him, even by a footstep. He will come to you, running. It's hard to see it. But He is there.

Watching over you.



Don't lose hope.

Never give up trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel. 

Because even though you can't see it right now, it is there. 

He's there.